LIVING WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES - a cranky re-run

LIVING WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES

This cranky re-run is from August 2013

Imagine what it would be like living with Sherlock Holmes.  Your every move analyzed.  Every noise, every open window, every open drawer, every missing slice of bread, every unwashed fork, everything you touch leaves a clue as to what you have been up to.

That is what it is like living with Mrs. Cranky.  Her powers of observation, her sense of smell, her hearing and her ability to deduce events from these unique talents is eerie.  And to top it off, these senses are at work 24/7…yes, she hears, smells and feels, even in her sleep.

If I go down stairs late at night to sneak a snack, Sherlock Cranky catches me every time.

“What did you get, a gob of peanut butter on a spoon?”

“Yes, and how did you know, I thought you were asleep?”

“The rustling of your sheets woke me.  I heard the flatware drawer open, and footsteps to the pantry.  Peanut butter?  Elementary, I could smell it before you started up the stairs.”

If I sneak out to the store she not only knows where I’ve been, but what I purchased.

“Where have you been, Lowes?”

“Yes, and how did you know?”

“I saw you took down the basement smoke detector, bought a 9V battery didn’t you.”

“No...”

“No? Then let me see what is in that bag.”

“Ok, ok, I went to Lowes and bought a 9V battery…Damn, you’re creepy!”

When I come home from playing golf, Mrs. C knows how I did before I come in the door.

“Bad round huh.”

“Yes, and how did you know?”

“I didn’t hear the garage door open, so you left your clubs in the car.  You always put them away after a good round.  Plus you slammed the car door.  You never slam it unless you are upset.”

“What the hell, do you know friggin everything?  What did I have for lunch?”

“Cheeseburger, lemon pie and a Pepsi.”

“Holy meerschaum pipe and magnifying glass, how did you know that?”

“I didn’t, that was just a guess.”

I have no intention, inkling, or desire to ever cheat on Mrs. Cranky.  It is a good thing, because she would know who, when and where before I zipped my zipper.